Going to School

     When your child doesn't want to go to school life is horrid. How many of us have seen children in Kindergarten or preschool screaming "No Mommy nooooooo.....I don't wanna staaaayyyyyy.... I wanna go with yoooooouuuuuuu....." as they hang on to an arm or a leg of a embarrassed and conflicted parent who is trying to comfort, discipline and peel their child off all at the same time. My kids did not do that but lots of children do. Call it separation anxiety, abandonment issues, exhaustion or whatever, these kids are grieving a loss and it's a terrible experience for all involved. From what I understand from other parents, special needs children often have trouble settling into a classroom. There is so much change in their already complicated lives that I think, sometimes, some kids take an extra long time to settle into a routine where school is a pleasant part of their day. If you add moving or family member loss or divorce or even pet loss to the equation  it becomes way too much.
     That is when we must rely on the our own experience regarding this little person. Who knows our child better than we do? No one. Teachers can be very helpful and have their own expertise about dealing with these issues. My husband's grandfather used to say "If something doesn't make sense, don't believe it---no matters who says it." He's right. We must use our own common sense coupled with advice from our child's teacher and/or school principal.
     At the end of the day, no one can advocate for your child like you. You know your child better than anyone.  Professionals in the field can offer a myriad of skills in dealing with different school based issues. Often times, they are parents as well.  We should make as much use as we can of their knowledge and experience. What matters finally is your child. If change is too drastic or expectations are too high, accommodations must be made. There is too much at stake to rush the process.

Parenthood

     Is there any job as full of joy and grief as that of being a parent? I'm not sure. What I do know is that when your child has additional needs those wild swings are even more intense and the grief is often experienced on a daily basis. The losses that we have experienced since the day my older daughter was born, have been manifold. The seizures, the procedures, the tests as well as the teasing, the bullying and the rejection have all resulted in grief that is sometimes profound. The happiness that we have felt as a result of even the smallest of her triumphs is immeasurable.
     That is why school is so important. Our children, typical or not, spend most of their young lives at school. My daughter has been there for more than 10,000 hours as far as my limited math can figure and so that place has to work for her. She is that square peg trying to fit in the round hole and it is not easy for her. We have been fortunate enough to have a 7th Grade teacher and an SEA who seem to understand her. When we started the year, I brought The Source for Non-Verbal Learning Disorder by Sue Thompson to school and my sense is that these teachers read it. They read it and thought about how they could support her in her journey through Grade 7. She is having an awesome year: playing sports, doing presentations, having fewer of the awkward social faux pas that have dominated her first 7 years in school and most importantly, feeling pretty good about her self at the tender age of almost-13.
     There are many more losses ahead for our family and so much more grief. God willing, there is also much more joy, happiness, peace and contentment ahead for us all. Our willingness to greet all these experiences is understood. We are parents after all.

Resources

     As a parent of an additional needs child, I am always looking for books or websites to learn more about my child's learning disorder and what I can do to support her. Some of my finds are real gems, others, not so helpful. Because my daughter's learning disability is fairly rare, I often don't find much about it.
     There are some useful resources available on the Surrey School District website. The "About SSS" heading contains a 65 page manual which sounds daunting but has a lot of great information including the areas of responsibility for the 3 District Principals of Student Support Services.This can be helpful if  you need to connect with them regarding your child. Under the "Parents" heading, "The Ideas for Families" booklet covers a host of issues from Anxiety Disorders, Autism Spectrum Disorders(A.S.D.), Mood Disorders, Eating Disorders and others all the way through to Working with Your Health Practitioner.There is also a  pamphlet which describes the purpose and the elements of an I.E.P. or Individual Education Plan which all students with special needs must have. A document called " The Golden Rule of SEA Support" will help you understand what type of support you can expect from your child's SEA or Special Education Assistant. There is a document on reporting practices which, although dated 2009, is still useful.  The "Communicating With Your School" document was unavailable to me when I checked the website. I would think that will change. 
     When it comes to support, there's nothing like a friendly voice at the other end of the line. When you're looking for information however, the more, the better and the easier the access, the more it will be used.

Reaching Out

     It seems that when you are the parents of a special needs child, you are riding the fine line between showing everyone that you have got it all under control and convincing sometimes, those same people, that you desperately need help. It happens at school. You want everyone to know that you are a good parent and have all the bases covered: your child is clean, appropriately dressed, well fed, polite and pleasant. At the same time, you need those folks to know that your child needs one on one adult support for their entire school day because they have been assessed as having profound additional needs.  Sometimes it takes every ounce of your energy just to get your child to school on time, dressed, fed and in a reasonable frame of mind. You show up with a brave face because that is what you do. No matter how bad things are you need to let everyone know that you are okay. But sometimes we are not okay. Our child is dreading their day at school, our marriage is failing as a result of the pressure, finances are tight and yet we smile and say "Fine thanks, how are you?" That is why I think that we need each other for support, encouragement and understanding. Whatever the make up of our family: typical kids, special needs kids, extended family, single parents, young children, older kids---there are times when we need that village that it takes to raise a child. We can reach out to others and lend a hand. We also have to be able to reach out and say "I need help, now". For some of us, there is nothing more difficult. Maybe others of us can try to make it a little easier.

New Beginnings

     The other day a very nice man told me that I was a lucky woman. To be honest, I would have been more flattered if he had told me that my husband was a lucky man, but I believe his intention was to compliment both of us, at the same time. And he succeeded. He also got me thinking about the things I take for granted, which probably are most things in my life. I do have everything. I have so much that I cannot even list it all here. So having a child with a learning disorder and some health issues should not be a big deal. And most days it isn't. Our 12 and a half year old is learning disabled or special needs or additional needs or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes that makes life hard. We worry about what will become of her in the future. Being older parents, we worry a lot about what will become of her life without us. Right now I am worrying about how she will handle a huge, over-crowded high school with almost 2000 kids after attending an elementary school with no more than 90 children. I know that worrying does not help anything but these things are in my mind and so they are on my mind too. One of my new year's resolutions besides the usual lose weight, eat healthier thing is to worry less. Worry less and have faith. Have faith and smile more. Smile more and know that I am indeed a lucky woman.