Letter

     Your daughter has been spending time with us fairly regularly over the course of the summer. She was in our daughter's class at school and so they got to know each other over the school year. You and I don't know each other all that well but I wanted you to know what a nice person your daughter is and how much we enjoy her company. She is unfailingly kind to both of our daughters and is friendly and good-natured with everyone she encounters at our house. Her manners are impeccable--- she thanks us for everything. We couldn't ask for a better guest.
     The reason I am telling you this is that she acts like we hope our daughter acts when she is at your house. And I thought that you would like to know. We are so used to our own children and their behaviours at home. When they get out into the world as company at other folks' homes, especially when we are not there, we hope that they are doing their best. Your daughter is--- I think that you would be proud.
     So thank you for allowing her to share time with us. I know how hard it is sometimes to let our children go. They are excited to go to parties and sleep-overs at each others homes...it's fun for them but it can be stressful for us, particularly if our child has extraordinary needs or a health concern of any type. The friendship that has formed between them is a first for our daughter; a relationship she made and is maintaining, all on her own. This makes it especially important for all of us. Our whole family is enjoying this friendship and what it is adding to all of our lives. We hope that you are too. Because of who our daughter is, we take no relationships for granted and this one is no exception. Sending our appreciation....


 

Groups

    What happens in a gathering of people when everyone doesn't get along? Whenever groups of people get together on a regular basis, these groups go through phases which contribute to the life of the team and keep it strong and viable or tear it apart. This is all part of something called group dynamics which is a fascinating look at systems and how they work or don't.
     When I did grief groups with hospice we talked about these phases which were based on the work of Bruce Tuckman who called them: Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing and Re-forming. The point of this is that every group whether it be a family, an office staff, a girl's group or a PAC go through these stages at various times depending on the life-time of the group and the goals the group wishes to accomplish.
     Sometimes if we are people who dislike confrontation, particularly outside of our family, we feel uncomfortable with the storming stage which is when conflict arises and is dealt with constructively by the group. If this positive conflict resolution doesn't occur then the group can become stuck at this stage and eventually become disabled and fall apart. If the team gets through this however and moves on to the norming stage, the group can become very effective at achieving its desired goal.
      We all have times when we become less than patient with the folks around us. I know I do. The trick is to remember why we are there and what we are trying to accomplish. Its easy to drop out when the going gets tough; sometimes we are not up for the fight. Anything worthwhile is worth fighting for and if we truly believe in the value of our perceived goal, then we must be ready to step up.
     That sounds like a lot of cliches and it is---- a whole pile of them. The basic truth behind them though is solid: Carpe momentum. And then hold on. My goal now is to try and be more present; to seize those teachable moments and to try and make them valuable. Even if it means a little conflict here and there or some uncomfortable feelings. It'll be worth it--- I'm sure of it.

FNN

     FNN doesn't spell fun but it should. Most Friday evenings since and including the last day of school, most of the girls in our eldest daughter's grade 6-7 class have been getting together to hang out. That is not to say that they haven't been busy: snacking, chatting, texting, playing volleyball, eating pizza, running through the sprinkler, listening to music, laughing, sleeping over, eating cupcakes, playing with water balloons, riding bikes, visiting the neighbours, did I mention snacking? Girls can do a lot in 5 hours.
     One of the things that I learnt from doing a group with grieving teens when I worked with a hospice is that young people are just that: people. They are just like adults except slightly smaller (although not always), less old and with usually less life experience (again, not always). Back then doing a group with teens was not my first choice; I was a little afraid of them. I did do the group though and loved it. They were refreshingly honest and down-to-earth, funny and remarkably knowledgeable; just like a lot of other people I know.
     Don't expect me to be one of those parents who would rather be their child's friend than their parent. I know that my most important job is being my girls' mother...who else would I be? Their company is some of the best ever and I love to be with them--- whatever they are doing. I also know that we need time apart now and then to really appreciate one another. At the end of the day, we all need time together, time apart, time alone and time with others.
     As far as time with others is concerned, the girls who come to our Friday Night Nine evenings are some of the smartest, sweetest and most fun girls ever. We like their company and love sharing their time. These get-togethers have been one of the highlights of the summer for our family--- a nice bunch of kids having a visit and a bite to eat together....What could be better than that?

Girl Friends Part 2

     One of the most remarkable things about our daughter's last year in elementary school was the amazingly supportive social environment provided by the classroom teacher and our daughter's SEA. Her teacher was a young, hip gentleman with a passion for gardening and immense knowledge and skill. Her Special Education Assistant was a tiny, upbeat woman with tons of energy and a smile as big as the room. It is my impression that they did read, at my urging, the superlative book about Non-Verbal Learning Disorder by Sue Thompson called The Source for Non-Verbal Learning Disorder and realized how difficult social interactions were for our child.
     It was obvious to me that our daughter's 7th Grade teacher worked to provide a respectful and open atmosphere in his classroom. He was aware of our daughter and her likes and dislikes and checked in with her regularly without taking anything away from the rest of the class.  As an example, he altered the lighting of a class dance so that it would not affect her and cause a seizure. He was endlessly patient with her need to remove herself from a noisy classroom or her desire to move her desk around.
     It became clear that our daughter's SEA worked every day not only to assure our daughter's academic progress but her social success as well. For a girl like our daughter, on the cusp of entry into high school, this was phenomenal. For example, her SEA used her own lunch breaks to initiate impromptu basketball games so our daughter could recruit the girls in her class to play and thus work on these social connections. She initiated and assisted in the making of a personal quilt as a memento of our daughter's year. And I know that our daughter spent less time in the school counsellor's office this year than any other year in elementary school.
     You cannot put a value on folks like that--- they are the difference between an okay school year and a phenomenal school year. I did write the Assistant School Superintendent to tell him about these wonderful people. In a year of job action and budgetary restraint, they were amazing. Luckily our daughter has had great teachers and amazing SEA's throughout her time at our little country school. The difference this year was that our daughter was poised to utilize this perfect blend of student/SEA/teacher/school and create her own recipe for social success.
    I am sure there will be tough times ahead...high school will be daunting. And no one with my daughter's learning differences will be an expert in the field of social relationships. The path ahead is an uphill one to be sure.  However the stellar individuals who made our daughter's year outstanding have paved the way for more friendships and a lifetime of learning which will be a benefit to our whole family. As I wrote to the Assistant Superintendent: "I wish to pass this along to you so that you might let these fine people know what a difference they are making in a young girl's life." Enough said.

Girl Friends Part 1

     I was cleaning up our daughter's room after a recent birthday and found an envelope with the words "To a good friend" printed on it. This seems like a small thing I suppose except that our daughter has never been referred to in that way until very recently.
     She has Non-Verbal Learning Disorder which has a multitude of social deficiencies attached to it. Suffice it to say, being considered a friend has been the most difficult task on our daughter's list. On the NLD website there was a question there that asked "How do you know if your child has NLD or ASD?" The answer read something like if your child has no friends and she doesn't care, then she has ASD. If she has no friends and she cares, then she has NLD. If that seems very over-simplified, it is. There are a myriad of differences, challenges, skills and attributes that differentiate Autism Spectrum Disorders from Non-Verbal Learning Disorder. The point here is that our daughter felt keenly the absence of quality friendship in her life. Don't get me wrong--- she had friends, but more as a result of what they did as opposed to what she able to contribute to a relationship.
     Play dates were scheduled but the girls usually ended up playing with our other daughter who is four years younger. Our daughters play well with each other, but I suspect that has occurred as a result of our younger daughter's patience and knowledge of her older sister's idiosyncrasies. She made it work because otherwise they didn't play. But when our older daughter was almost thirteen years old, the game changed. Talk or conversation became the connecting activity and if there is one thing our daughter can do, it's talk. From the moment she learnt to say "hi", the world was a place to converse. Walking came late, crawling, not at all, but talking was immediate and constant.
     I am hugely gratified to witness my child's growing ability to meet others, foster friendships and expand her skills for getting along in the world. These are no small feat for the most typical and popular of young people. "If you want to have a friend, be a friend." as my husband is fond of repeating. In the case of our daughter, it's all that and much, much more.