Gratitude

     It is at this time of year that I am especially aware of all the blessings in my life. I'm not sure if it's the chaotic goodwill that permeates this month or if it's the opportunity we have at this time of the year to look outside of ourselves and see how others are doing. Sometimes it's a scary picture. The opportunity our family had to be in East Vancouver while our niece and her high school classmates gave away coats, hats, socks, gloves and muffins was an amazing eye opener. My children have a new appreciation for the roof over their head, the food on their table and  the clothes on their bodies. My husband and I realized that not everyone at the corner of Main and Hastings is drug addicted, alcoholic or a prostitute. Stuff happens. Choices are made. Fate intervenes and we are not where we wish we were. We talked to folks, good folks whose luck had run out. And then we go home to our warm, cozy homes with full fridges, clean sheets, messy closets and gifts under our tree. We don't have everything but then again, we do. I cannot say that I will never complain again about my lot in life. I'm sure I will. But I shouldn't. I am blessed beyond measure. Ten fingers, ten toes; I have it all.

Buddies

     My daughter's SEA (Special Education Assistant) has been working additionally with a younger boy new to our school this year and because my daughter usually spent lunchtimes alone or chatting with the supervisors, she has had an opportunity to get to know him. What a great experience it has been for her to spend time with this little guy! My daughter comes home daily with wonderful stories of time spent with him; what he said, what they did together, how he made her smile. Her "little buddy" as she calls him has become an important part of her school life. This relationship has also brought out a caring, almost maternal side of my daughter that we have not seen very often. As this is her last year of elementary school, she has already enlisted her younger sister as his "big buddy" for next year. Over the years, I have witnessed other examples of how this buddy system is helpful and rewarding for both the older and younger children involved. My daughter's relationship with her little buddy has allowed me to experience first hand, what a precious and enriching aspect of life these connections can be.

Patience

     My patience was worn to a very fine thread this afternoon when my older daughter locked my keys in my car. It should have been no big deal but I had spent the afternoon clearing out a very crowded bedroom so it could be repainted and then realized that I was late picking up my daughters from school for a doctor's appointment. So we're rushing... and we're late.... and after-school traffic is slow and busy...and we are discussing a very serious subject in the car, which is hard to do when you're also driving. I park the car--- there's a spot out front----hurray! My daughter reminds me several times to lock the car door after we climb out and I have already done that, of course. We get into the doctor's office and she's forgotten the prescription she wanted refilled, in the car. I hand her the keys, she goes out to the car, comes back in, without the keys. Oh, I had just had it!  Fortunately for both of us, we were in the doctor's waiting room, so I was forced to keep my comments brief and quiet. I called B.C.A.A., was told it would be an hour and it turned out to be about 15 minutes. No big deal, right? Calm was restored and we headed next door to Dairy Queen for a treat. And as my daughter reminded me on the way, she did not do it on purpose---it was an accident. And that really is the point. It's the intention of the act that matters. She did not intend to aggravate me right then. She is always trying to please me. Why do I find that so easy to forget at these mildly trying moments? Both my girls are lovely,well-mannered people who try to do their best, no matter what. Maybe I should try to do the same.

Trying

     We attended my 12 year old's choir Christmas concert, which was a wonderful experience. The singing from all the age groups was touching and beautiful as was the music from the brass quintet which played as well. What brought tears to my eyes was the ferocious concentration of my daughter as she struggled to sing, smile and sometimes dance, all at the same time. I sometimes forget how difficult it is for her to do more than one thing at a time. As her mother, even I lose track of my daughter's abilities and disabilities. I have to be dragged back sometimes, to remember. As my daughter has no outward signs that she is an additional needs child, with a profoundly challenging learning disorder, even we sometimes expect that she can do everything a typical child can do. I am always having to tell people or remind them what her limits are, at various times, in different situations. But sometimes, even I forget. When I saw her on the stage, I remembered. Even the seemingly simple, joyous experience of singing and smiling and dancing is not easy for everyone. It's not easy for my daughter but she tries and tries and tries. And that's only one of the things that we love about her.

Team Sports

     This week our daughter will play in a volleyball game against a team from another tiny country school around the corner. This will be a first for her as she has never been on a team of any kind. Her relationship to sports has been quite tenuous because of her learning disorder.  Non-Verbal Learning Disorder includes a whole list of fine motor, gross motor, balance and spatial difficulties along with the inability to comprehend non-verbal communication. So we are very excited that our 12 year old has this opportunity to play a game she has found she enjoys, with a team of her classmates. It sounds like such a small thing but for us it is large. My daughter is used to being picked last for school yard games and things. On the "Big Bang Theory" Sheldon stated that he was always last to be chosen, unless there was a kid in a wheelchair. Then he was second to last. And that's how it's been for our daughter. And regardless of how well she does at the game, the important piece is that she belongs. She is a member of the team and that matters to her. When it looked as though another activity was going to interfere with this volleyball game, she said to me: "But Mama, I can't let my team mates down!" And that is a feeling that my daughter has not felt often in her 12 years of life: there is a place on this team for her. She belongs.

School

     Our school is great. My husband and I love it. It's small and intense at times and everyone whose kids attend it has strong feelings about it. The reality of a tiny, old school in these times of no money and big apathy is rare. We know that we are getting away with something so we guard it and try not to take it for granted. We have a varied population of students from millionaire's children to regular folk. Also the teacher and staff profile has been broad but with some real gems. And I mean that sincerely. They are caring people and it shows. They might ride to school on their bicycle or teach your kids the lyrics to a favourite Beatles song. Maybe they let you know how much they appreciate your child's compliments (especially since you've been working on the power of positive thinking with her). Maybe they take the time to write a hand made card to your child telling her how well she did today. Maybe they just wave to you across the parking lot when you weren't expecting it. It all adds depth to your experience as a parent and a person and makes you glad to be here. When I see kids at our school picking up garbage together in the playground or taking turns skipping, helping each other sew the trim on their Christmas stocking or hugging after a 3 day weekend, I know we are in the right place. It's not perfect, but sometimes it is.

Too Much

     I just talked to a mother whose recently diagnosed daughter is really struggling. Her assessment determined an Autism Spectrum Disorder but what is really overwhelming right now is the intense anxiety she is experiencing. This mother's entire efforts are geared towards getting her daughter to school, getting her to stay there, and then debriefing her experiences there which of course, vary from day to day. This mother is overwhelmed. Many of us can have days like this with typical children but with specials needs kids these days are more common than not. They can take their toll on the family, their marriage and the other kids.
     I felt very useless.What could I do to ease this mother's experience? How could I help her? It turns out there was not a lot I could do. Sometimes when things feel too much, when we're overwhelmed, all we can do is share our story for a few minutes. It's not a lot, but it helps. I have been in similar shoes and have felt my  own load lightened by sharing it with someone who cares.Whether we're the teller or the listener, sometimes that's all we can do.