Summer

     Among the several pregnancy losses I experienced the first one hit me the hardest. Her name was to be Summer and we memorialised her with the planting of a Japanese maple tree. Deeply red, small and portable, it followed us from the house we rented to our own home in a thick wooden box. For many years it held a place on the island of our circular driveway, easily seen from the kitchen window, a view I gazed upon thousands of times. Today the planter finally gave up as the bottom of the box had rotted.  I tipped it out, took everything I could plant elsewhere and worked to spread the excess soil around. I did not remember that I had put my hospital bracelet inside a film container and a small white stone in the soil with our baby's tree. Finding it today brought me back to a moment many years ago, before our daughters were born when any and everything seemed possible and most of our lives were before us. Those things have changed but our lives do hold the promise of the daughters we now have. Their paths will no doubt have vastly different trajectories but will hopefully be long and content. Today the promise of another little life was unexpectedly rediscovered by me, sweet and rife with memories; a sunny, busy Sunday became a unique and bittersweet day, a day worth savouring....

Letter

Dear One,
     The tears you cried this morning were seen, heard and felt by me deeply. Wishing we had someone else's life is not unusual; it is part of the human journey and one that many of us experience from time to time. Your desire to have a typical life like your siblings is probably common too but no less heartfelt. Your road is a different one and will be rockier and more treacherous at times. Getting an education, making friends, playing sports, being healthy, finding a job, these things have all been more difficult for you. I too have sometimes wanted an easier path for you, but not a different one. I do not want someone else's life for you because then you would be somebody else. You would not be you. I love you: untypical, funny, special, friendly, intellectually disabled, helpful, good-at-so-many-things you.
     The world judges us harshly at times but sometimes we judge ourselves the most harshly. I know that you have heard words like retarded, stupid and dumb. Anyone who uses those words to describe you does not know you very well. You know more than most people about courage, faith, hope and love. When you use those words to describe yourself you are doing yourself and everyone who loves you a disservice. We know who you are and love you for that very reason. You are exactly who you are supposed to be and your life is yours, to live as you choose. Your choices may be fewer but they will be yours and I hope will bring you a life of contented fulfillment along with some funny stories to share around the dinner table.
     I cannot begin to tell you how rich you have made my life, every single day that you have shared it. Not only have you grown and learnt and become the unique person that you are but you have helped shape me and make me a better person and I would never change that, ever. Thank you for being you.
Always,
Mama

Daughter Once Again

     The emotional ups and downs of parenting never fail to surprise me. Our youngest is now an almost fifteen year old, taller than me, with a beauty that is ethereal and a mischievousness that is alternately maddening and delightful. She can whirl through our little home with the viciousness of a tiny but tall tornado causing the bravest of us to want to run and hide. She can also pirouette over to us with a gentle and sincere gesture of love, a hug whose effect seems to last for hours. What a mystery! A child but also a woman, an angel and a sergeant-major, a model and a mimic, a comic and a critic all in the same day. The mood swings of teen-age life are certainly not for the weak; a roller-coaster at the best of times, I cannot wait until she falls in love. Ha! Or should I say lol?!
     Don't get me wrong. I am totally, 100% annoyed with the amount of time she spends on that thing I like to call The Box. (a lot of it), the state of her room (appalling), her nutritional intake (next to none), the conformity of her wardrobe (need I say leggings?), and the way that she looks at me at times (dismay and disgust).  But this is a girl who texts me from a sleepover to say good night and that she loves me, who amazingly enough, kisses me when I take her to school and who will drop everything to cuddle a baby, pat a dog or hold a door for an older person. She still laughs when the pediatrician magically pulls a quarter out of her ear and loves to make me laugh until I cry. She spends the rest of her free time doing homework, aims for straight A's and always has. She loves her dog passionately and hilariously and wants nothing more than someone to dance with her. She is kind and grumpy and I could not love her more, even with the eye-rolling. She will never see this but here it is Pie....

Marathon

 

     Today our eldest daughter participated in a half marathon in a neighboring town. It was a cold and icy morning though the roads were bare in our area and the sunrise was lovely if a little tentative. It is hard to get up most mornings but especially difficult on a dark winter Sunday morning when everyone else gets to sleep in. She had laid out all her clothes the night before and wasn't really looking forward to the run but was committed. I drove her to the meeting place and left her in the capable hands of her BUILD leaders and teachers.
     Getting back home, I was mad at myself for not being more organized to register in time and accompany our daughter on the walk. I could certainly use the exercise! We do so much together though that I worry about her independence. Years of seizure activity and the accompanying anxiety have relentlessly kept me at her side. She is now a year seizure free and we both need to learn to step away from each other sometimes. It is difficult for both of us.
     It being icy, our daughter fell and had trouble getting up again. Of course there were many friendly female hands to help her up again and encourage her to keep going. She linked arms with one of her leaders and finished the marathon, proud of her medal if a little sore. I was so glad to know that she was able to do this run, not without help, but independently, without me. These are baby steps for both of us, away from each other. In her case it was about twelve thousand steps but I was thrilled to hear about every one of them.

One

     She is one year seizure free! Our daughter started having seizures at eighteen months of age. Other than a two year break between the ages of five and seven and again between the ages of eleven and thirteen, epilepsy has been a large part of her life. Our daughter experienced two-thirds of her seizures during her five years at high school. She had her last seizure (and her last trip to the emergency ward) on February 2, 2017. Thankfully she only broke her hand and nose, split her lip and lost a front tooth.
     What does it mean to our daughter to be one year seizure free? First and foremost, she has less fear that she will have a injury-causing seizure in an unsafe public place. It means her being able to be home alone from time to time. She loves that!  It also makes her feel that she can be like other people her age, not to mention not having to take her mother along to the movies or anywhere for that matter, nice as she is!?
     For us, it means the possibility that she can one day go without antiepileptic medications, the opportunity for her to work or go to school without always being accompanied and of course, hope for a seizure free adult life, a life concentrated on enjoying living rather than fearing injury or even death.
     Whether our daughter is seizure free due to less stress in her life, the medications finally working, outgrowing her seizures or the answer to prayer, here it is. This reprieve from epilepsy for a year has been my most cherished wish, my most fervent prayer and I am sure that that is true for my husband and both our daughters and other family as well. If you too helped Hayley get here, then we thank you. We thank God and we thank you....

everythingIneedtoknowIlearnedina chickencoop;)

     I have learnt a few things from the chickens in our coop over the years; a chicken run and its citizens are a messy, muddy microcosm. Here is what I have discovered, in no particular order: Who's the boss? Well, size is not what counts, it's attitude. Our largest and oldest rooster is currently winding down his days in the chicken hospital/nursery/hospice. Always a gentle soul, he could quash any hen argument with a glance. That being said: Love your neighbour. Living close to anybody is hard. Regardless of whether they look like you or don't, your neighbours need to be tolerated, respected even appreciated. Our differences are what keep us interesting. Which leads us to: Stay busy. Whether you are pecking scratch, chopping firewood, laying eggs or writing your thesis, it's important to keep at it. Moving keeps you up; being idle makes you low. Get to it! Also though: Rest when you can. It's important to get down time, relaxation and sleep. Standing in the sunlight can be quite rejuvenating, sitting in a dusty hole is good for what ails you, especially between meal times. And so: There is enough for everyone. Sharing can be difficult, especially where food is concerned. Still it's better to take a little and go back for more than taking too much. There's always more feed/food, so chill. Which brings us to: Mama/Papa knows best. She has been where you are right now and even if she hasn't, she knows someone who has. If not, he'll tell you so listen, you might learn something. And lastly, do your best. Again, it's not the size of the egg that counts, it's the quality. As my husband would say, you only get out of something what you put into it....

Pastor 2

 

     Sometimes it is difficult to put into words the effect one person has on another's life. If their influence is positive yet subtle, the way a breeze can cool a stiflingly hot day or an unexpected compliment can save an otherwise awkward exchange, the effect is sometimes overlooked. If you are young and struggling socially, a great Youth Group at a warm and caring church can be an amazing blessing. Add an awesome Youth Pastor and you have a recipe for success.

     Our eldest has been blessed to have such a person in her life. Encouraged to be a regular member of the Youth Program and further encouraged to be a volunteer in the church's Sunday School helping with the younger kids, our daughter gained confidence, insight and valuable perspective. The boost to her self-esteem and sense of self cannot be overstated. The fact that he and his young family are moving and that he is returning to seminary is a great loss to her and all the youth and children of the church. Speaking personally, the adults will miss him too.

     Patience, positivity, honesty and a wonderful sense of humour are just part of the reason that he will be missed. It may be difficult for a while for our daughter to move forward without this caring and cool person at her church. But that is life; loss and change rule. All we can do is pray for him, his wife and young children and hope their path leads them our way again. Thank you Pastor Orin!